Sexercise

I publish my running and cycling activities on a site called Strava, for my less active friends this is a site that shows the people you connect with just what you've been up to exercise wise. I use it when I've been out and can normally bank on getting well into double figure likes, however........

For the last few weeks I've been a lazy bum; its a mixture of, work hours, weather and just a general malaise on my part. I make no excuses about, being injured or such like, I'm just bone idol.
Sunday I thought it would be quite funny to post my weekend activity, sex, yes, sex, yes 53 year olds still 'do it'. Controversial I know but, hey, most people do it, and at my age, boy does it take it out of you. So I thought to myself, that's more of a workout than I've done for a while, so I'm blooming counting that. I squared it with my partner and she chuckled and said, yep that's fine. Its been live on Strava for a day and a bit and has attracted two,  yes two likes.

I can honestly say that I didn't realise just how incredibly prim and proper my friends are. Its either that or they just don't think that's a workout! I can assure you that I worked a bloody site harder than some of the stuff Ive done in the past which attracted lots of likes. But they were real workouts, like running and stuff I hear you cry, yeah right, my heart rate hasn't been as high as it was Saturday for a long time.
So I suppose what I'm trying to say here is, loosen up folk, life is way to short to be serious all the time. It was meant to be funny, treat it as such, please.

Oh, and have a nice Christmas, and don't forget, plenty of exercise. :-)

Alarmed!!!

I leapt from my seat and was just about to make my way smartly to the fire exit, when I realised that the horrendous din ringing out in the cafe wasn't the fire alarm but some blomin woman's ring tone.

Wow, that's a seriously awful noise. Ear piercingly shrill. No melody, no tune, just pure........sound!

HELLO, she bellowed across the room, she didn't need a phone.

Two minutes silence and it sounds again. I half expect the fire brigade to turn up.

She doesn't even look embarrassed, remarkable!

Coffee drank we venture around the store to by some groceries that I need at home.
Forgetting that the car is broken and I've cycled into town I set about buying way more than I can fit in my rucksack, let alone haul home (all up hill I might add). Its when I get to the checkout that it dawns on me about the car........bugger!
Still, think of the strength training.

The Iron lady

The alarm sounds and I rise, sleepy but none the less awake. A quick belch, fart and scratch of the nether regions and Im ready for coffee.
Todays the day of my coached swim session. Im suddenly wide awake at the thought. Should be fun though, I know my coach and know we can laugh while still learning, should be fab.
Coffee drunk I head off to collect her.
She's at the door as I arrive. Blimey, super keen and ready I thought! I should have realised, after getting a text from her 2 minutes before asking if I was on my way, seriously super keen (strict)!
She gets in the car, and suddenly how hard this session is going to be comes into focus.......my coach has her handbag with her!!!!! HER FLIPPING HANDBAG!
Coaches don't carry handbags do they? Mine does. Im really scared now, can I live up to the expectations of a handbag carrying coach, of course I can't, not a chance. She is at least smiling, or is it a laugh, at what she has in store, I will find out soon enough.
Even though I tried driving as slowly as I could to the pool we still arrive much much quicker than I would have liked. I park up and get out.
The passenger door slams shut.
Are you taking the handbag inside? I ask.
Erm....yes, why wouldn't I. comes the reply.
Cos your coaching a swim.
She finds it quite amusing that I should be shocked at someone bringing a handbag to a swim session. She's smiles back at me, or it could be wind, or, more likely, a grimace at the pain she is about to inflict on her lowly subject.

I look to see if I can see the big blue rosette with "Vote Tory" on it, there isn't one, phew.
'What do you want from this session'? She shouts, sorry, asks.
To get out alive I think to myself.
'To improve my breathing technique really, and be a better swimmer please Miss'. I say, whilst backing away touching my forelocks.

 I waft my membership card at the minion on the desk, tell him that Mrs T (not her real name) is here to do a bit of coaching and do I need to pay for her.
No, just make sure she sits on the seating, he replies.
Really, I have to TELL her to do something. I look round into the the steely eyes of my coach.
'He said, him over there...........erm, the chap behind the desk said you have to sit in the seating area'. I duck instinctively for fear of the repercussions.
Tut, comes the reply.
I fear for the desk chaps safety if she ever sees him alone in the street, poor sod.
Well, to cut a short story long the coached swimming session didn't actually happen. Turns out that at Hadleigh swimming pool brining in your own coach/helper/Prime Minister, is frowned upon.
No coaching allowed unless its with our coaches..........Really!
I managed half a length. Membership now cancelled!

What have I done????

I've failed as a parent, well and truly.
Today I saw a video on Facebook, which made me smile. I usually tag my daughter in any of these posts so she to can have an ah moment, or a chuckle. This one had both.
Little did I know it would make me realise I have failed so dramatically!
The video in question showed a seal on a beach with a labrador dog. The seal was being petted by who I take it to be, are the dogs owners.
They pet the seal and then the seal cuddles the dog, all very cute and warm hearted stuff. Wheres the failure in that I hear you cry?
We that comes after.
I picked up my daughter, I won't tell you how old she is, suffice to say she's in her last year as a teenager :-) lol.
We chatted about how cute the video was and I said, rather innocently, wow I've not seen anyone pet a seal before in the wild, they can give you a nasty nip. They have really sharp teeth.
Can they, came the stunned reply from daughter. Oh yes darling, razor sharp.
I didn't know they had teeth, came to gobsmakingly remarkable comment from daughter.
Sorry? I said, you didn't know they had teeth!!!!!
How do you think they eat fish, bloody suck them.

'Oi Dave, these blooming fish take an age to eat, sucking them'.
'Yes Trevor, for crying out loud don't try the squid, you'll be there forever'.

I was, to say the least, dumb struck.
Fortunately we have a wonderful relationship and I laughed endlessly at her, even when she started crying. :-)
Its one of the many things, that, unfortunately for her, I wont let her forget for a good while.
Thank you darling, your a star and I love you to bits

A hunting we will go :-)

Out of work and hunting for a job.
Signing on, never something that's meant to be fun, however, now you must spend 35 hours a week searching for that elusive position. 35 hours!! How am I supposed to have fun :-)
You need to log on to the job centre site, and log all the things you do to look for work.
I assume drinking extra strong larger outside the town hall is part of this!
No mater where you live, I'm sure you would have seen the like. People who clearly don't work, and more importantly, clear don't want to work, somehow managing to get by, with their benefits.
I however, due to my alcohol levels being almost nil I assume, need to justify what I'm doing to find a job. Selective bullying
How ironic it is that there is someone, or some people, employed to clean the streets, which must also include cleaning up after people who don't want to work, very amusing.
Wonder if I can include this blog post as part of my 35 hours.
Oh, and before anyone says. "I'm paying for you to sign on so you should do it"
I've paid my taxes for over 30 years so I'm taking back what I've already paid, not that I've had any benefits yet, however, if it bothers you that much rest assured when the 'huge' amounts of cash come rolling in, I'll be sure to say thank you, as I doff my cap and touch my forelocks. :-)


On a lighter note and away from job hunting.
As mentioned in a previous post a good while ago, about my transparent son, well, he's no longer transparent, he has some pigment.
I noticed this the other day whilst we was out on our bikes. He has, what for him is, tantamount to a tan, positively glowing he is. Well, he's kind of dark cream!

Anyway, enough is enough.

Look at the dust up here

I find, after a 3 month trial at my last job, I have once more cast been aside. Forced to crawl back to the scrap heap, the shelf for the very old.
I do want to work, but I do have certain standards I will not dip below.
Firstly, I refuse to prostitute myself on Facebook, with a tacky appeal to my friends for any news of work, no sirey Bob, never going to happen.
Ok, that might happen, actually, that might have happened already!
Secondly, and more importantly, I refuse, with much gusto, that I will, under no circumstance send out unsolicited emails to prospective employers, asking, no, begging, for employment.
Bugger, I've done that also.
Have I no standards, or morals? Hell no!
I will draw the line at working in a kitchen as a kitchen assistant, washing up for 5 hours a day, how can anyone do that, wow they must be desperate......................Yes, you guessed it, I was :-)
To earn my unemployment benefit I must log 35 hours a week of job searching or related projects, such as interviews, traveling to and from them. Writing emails, updating Facebook. I wonder if this counts?? Worth a try.
On a lighter note, July is here, and glancing out of my window, the heavy cloud definitely looks a lighter shade of grey today, fab.
Heres wishing you all a peachy weekend, unless your working, and if you are working I hate you lol.

Bob a job

Who remembers Bob a job, well sod Bob, give me a job.

I know, I know, slightly controversial, a Brit wanting to work, well it is according to our government anyway. Did they not say that the Eastern Europeans come here because we don't want to work? 

I DO!

Shut up you fool of course you don't, there's only the crap jobs we don't want to do left anyway. You know, those jobs working for those factories and business that obviously didn't exist before the open borders, the jobs obviously no one did before, or am I being a trifle cynical?

I suppose I could buy myself 4 cans of Special Brew (other super strong brain rot is available) and sit on the town hall steps and not have to look for work, and just claim the JSA, is it really that easy? 

I've been informed I must spend 35 hours a week looking for work to earn my dole money. I really don't have a problem with doing something to earn it but there's only so much time, after the first search, that you can spend looking.

And what about our half brained friend on the town hall steps with his Special Brew, does he spend 35 hours a week looking for work, I'll bet he don't spend 35 hours a week able to focus, let alone look for a job.

Oh well, rant over. 

Signing on day tomorrow, deep joy. 

Now where did I put that can of larger.

EU referyawndum

Its here, at last, after the longest build up in the history of politics, the EU referendum. I would say thank goodness for that, however I fear it may be followed by the longest debrief in the history of politics, and wow won't that be thrilling. Did that sound sincere enough?
Its been one great long smugathon as far as I can tell. Instead of kissing babies during the campaign both sides have been kissing our arses to get your vote.
Im of course going to vote, why wouldn't you? Why would someone let a bunch of strangers decide their future? Doesn't make sense to me at all.
Am I going to tell you how Im voting, erm, nope why should I, Im not asking how your voting. To be honest I don't really care how your voting just so long as you do. How you vote won't change either my thinking, or make me change what I think of you one bit, you know I love you and that will never change, well, unless you get a nasty disease, or that rash comes back!
On a lighter note, its stopped raining so that must mean summer is here!
Quick run you may get to the polling station without getting moist.