Pavement Pasodoble

 You know when the pedestrian telepathy fails, when you’re walking along the path and you have that moment when you both end up doing the ‘sidewalk shuffle’, and for some reason it seems to take an age to get out of the, ‘I’ll go left and so will they.

Sorry.

I’ll go right, and again, so do they.

Sorry (slightly embarrassed now).

Well what’s the worse that can happen, an embarrassed smile, a chuckle, an annoyed glance, the merest brush of shoulders.

Well when it’s a pedestrian and a bicycle, that’s a whole different ballgame.

That happened today, yes, to me obviously.

Walking home from the school run and a young lady (girl) (is it even PC to assume a gender now? Oh who cares) cycles towards me, not overly fast but maybe a bit quick for the path, when yes, the telepathy fails us both.

She wobbles to the left, then the right, I’m really trying to keep out of her way as she looks hardly in control of her bike, I stop, it’s all I can think of doing as we were closing in on each other at a rate of knots.

Sorry, I mumble, as she glances desperately at me, it’s a funny look really, probably made worse by the angle she’s at, I would guess 45 degrees. 

And down she goes, still, at least she’d slowed down somewhat, thus reducing the scuffidge from forward momentum, this was just sideways. She’s probably had worse grazes, a bit of TCP and you’ll be as right as rain.

Anyway, enough silliness, have a fabulous day

Dr Who?

Sitting in the dinning room (it’s really not as posh as it sounds, honest) scrolling inanely through Facebook as I do most mornings. Hitting the odd like, doing a screen grab of a post that is so messed up or having to open Google to try and translate a post from someone, who, to all intents and purposes seems quite normal when you meet them but what in gods name does that say. 

Well anyway this morning was no different apart from one thing, the washing machine. Now I will say, the washing machine being there is also quite normal, I mean I didn’t just get up and was taken by surprise at a 50-60kg chunk of metal in the kitchen, that would be ridiculous, having said that though, judging by some of the posts mentioned above, I probably have ‘friends’ that would be, anyway I digress.

I’m sitting quietly alone, eating my breakfast, I’d tell you what I was eating but you’d just take the micky, with the washing machine doing it’s thing in the background, how come after a few months of having them they go from whisper quiet to the sound of a small explosion going off, and after a few minutes sitting there I’m suddenly struck by the volume this machine is making. I look up, spoon mid journey, to see the washing machine bouncing out from its gap and starting to make its way across the floor towards me. 

Christ alive, I honestly thought I was in an episode of Dr Who, I nearly ran out of the building.

This thing was pulling all sorts of moves, the load had obviously shifted inside, I had to pretty much sit on the bloody thing to halt it’s march, pushing and walking it back into the gap it strolled from moments before hand.

Well that’s enough excitement for one day, you never know, maybe another update tomorrow, or maybe I’ll just wait years again who know.

And you are?

 Wow it’s been a while.

We have been decorating over the past year, new carpets, paint, wallpapering and suchlike, we also invested in new bedroom furniture. A nice new wardrobe, four doors and two full length mirrors, very posh.

Now at my age when nature calls you have very little choice but to say “yes sir, right away sir” and March off to the toilet like a good boy, even if it’s in the middle of the night. Last night was no exception to this rule, 3am and I’m suddenly, ahem, breaking my neck for a wee. 

Having laid there for a minute just to make absolutely sure I needed to go I fling my legs out of bed and stand, I still find it remarkable that the most comfortable you can be in bed is with a full bladder. Bleary eyed I start the dark walk towards the bedroom door. 

Now this wardrobe I mentioned earlier is in a different spot to the old ones, this one is just to the side of the bedroom door. For some reason I turned a bit wide at the end of our bed and headed for what I thought was the door. Ambient lighting from clocks and plugs illuminated the room just enough to see dark shapes a few feet in front. All of a sudden, not 6 inches in front of me I was confronted by another person, in our bedroom, at 3 o’clock in the morning, looking right at me. I nearly did my ablution there and then. Out of impulse, and because I was naked, I put my arms up and shoved this interloper in the chest, except it wasn’t their chest, no, it was the bloody mirror on the wardrobe, if I hadn’t secured it to the wall when we got it it probably would have rocked and fallen on me I pushed it that hard. The intruder, trespasser, would be assassin was merely my reflection. My heart still racing I did make it to the loo in time, just, chuckling but rather embarrassed. 

I find it truly amazing how many thoughts can race through your mind in a split second. Who are you? What are you doing in here? I’m naked you don’t need to see this, get out, god your a handsome bugger. (I may have made the last one up……maybe).

Anyway, as usual, thanks for taking the time to read this and if you enjoyed it you might like to look back at some of my other offerings from the past few years.